World's Best
Resignation Letter?

Dear Mr. Baker,

As an employee of an institution of higher education, I have few very basic expectations. Chief among these is that my direct superiors have an intellect that ranges above the common ground squirrel. After your consistent and annoying harassment of my co-workers and me during our commission of duties, I can only surmise that you are one of the few true genetic wastes of our time.

Asking me, a network administrator, to explain every nuance of everything I do each time you happen to stroll into my office is not only a waste of time, but also a waste of precious oxygen. I was hired because I know how to network computer systems, and you were apparently hired to provide amusement to your employees, who watch you vainly attempt to understand the concept of "cut and paste" as it is explained to you for the hundredth time.

You will never understand computers. Something as incredibly simple as binary still gives you too many options. You will also never understand why people hate you, but I am going to try and explain it to you, even though I am sure this will be just as effective as telling you what an IP is. Your shiny new iMac has more personality than you ever will.

You wander around the building all day, shiftlessly seeking fault in others. You have a sharp dressed, useless look about you that may have worked for your interview, but now that you actually have responsibility, you pawn it off on overworked staff, hoping their talent will cover for your glaring ineptitude. In a world of managerial evolution, you are the blue-green algae that everyone else eats and laughs at. Managers like you are a sad proof of the Dilbert principle.

Seeing as this situation is unlikely to change without you getting a full frontal lobotomy reversal, I am forced to tender my resignation; however, I have a few parting thoughts:

1. When someone calls you in reference to employment, it is illegal for you to give me a bad recommendation as I have consistently performed my duties and even more. The most you can say to hurt me is, "I prefer not to comment." To keep you honest, I will have friends randomly call you over the next couple of years, because I know you would be unable to do it on your own.

2. I have all the passwords to every account on the system and I know every password you have used for the last five years. If you decide to get cute, I will publish your "Favorites," which I conveniently saved when you made me "back up" your useless files. I do believe that terms like "Lolita" are not viewed favorably by the university administrations.

3. When you borrowed the digital camera to "take pictures of your mother's b-day," you neglected to mention that you were going to take nude pictures of yourself in the mirror. Then, like the techno-moron you are, you forgot to erase them. Suffice it to say, I have never seen such odd acts with a ketchup bottle. I assure you that those photos are being kept in safe places pending your authoring of a glowing letter of recommendation. (And, for once, would you please try to use spellcheck? I hate correcting your mistakes.)

I expect the letter of recommendation on my desk by 8:00 am tomorrow. One word of this to anybody and all of your twisted little repugnant obsessions will become public knowledge. Never f*ck with your systems administrator, Mr. Baker! They know what you do with all that free time!

Sincerely

David Blocker

Network Administrator

Hilarious Quotes

Joan Rivers
I blame my mother for my poor sex life. All she told me was 'the man goes on top and the woman underneath.' For three years my husband and I slept in bunk beds.

Benny Hill
Have you noticed that all the people in favor of birth control are already born?

Mark Twain
I once sent a dozen of my friends a telegram saying 'flee at once - all is discovered.' They all left town immediately.

Jerry Seinfield
Introducing 'Lite': the new way to spell 'Light'; but with twenty per cent fewer letters.

Jeff Foxworthy
I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.

Voltaire
The only way to comprehend what mathematicians mean by Infinity is to contemplate the extent of human stupidity.

Ellen DeGeneres
I'm a godmother, that's a great thing to be, a godmother. She calls me god for short, that's cute, I taught her that.

Willard Scott
Bryant Gumbel's ego has applied for statehood. And if it's accepted, it will be the fifth-largest.

Hugh Leonard
There is only one immutable law in life - in a gentleman's toilet, incoming traffic has the right of way.

Robert Bloch
The man who can smile when things go wrong has thought of someone else he can blame it on.

I Hate Facebook by Andy Ostroy

I hate Facebook. There. I said it. And it feels damned good. I know it won't make me popular. In fact, I'll probably be cyberflogged over it. I'm sorry, but I just don't get it. Any of it. Oh sure, it's fun once in a blue moon when one of my childhood pals miraculously unearths a 40-year-old photo and "tags" me, but then that fascination quickly turns to horror as I realize my embarrassing pre-pubescent shot is now online for all to see. Couldn't it just simply be scanned and emailed to me the way technogeeks did things back in the olden days, ya know, the late 90s?

Oh, Facebook. You cyberland of rampant narcissism and wasted time. What started out as a social networking site for college kids has somehow turned into a cesspool of self-absorbed way-too-old-to-be-fucking-around-on-Facebook adults who think that the rest of us actually give a shit about what they're drinking, eating, thinking, reading, watching, and/or are listening to every five minutes. They post their top 5 records, movies and TV shows. They post "25 Random Things About Me" lists. And they tell us constantly what they're "fans of." One person is a fan of "grilled cheese." I kid you not. What have we come to when grilled cheese has its own Facebook page? Someone clearly has way too much time on their hands.

I think I've figured out Facebook's major appeal. It offers uber-narcissists an opportunity to have their proverbial 15 minutes every five fucking minutes!. The site is overcrowded with attention-starved grown-ups essentially screaming "look at me... look at me!" all day long. They change their profile photos as often as I change my underwear, and they've somehow convinced themselves that their lives are infinitely interesting all the time. The "audience factor" is just way too attractive to these folks. It's drunken karaoke without the booze and the bad singing, but with all the requisite self-indulgence.

Case in point the "What's on your mind" section, formerly the "status" box. It's full of pretentious, inane ramblings like "Bob is making some soup," "Annie is dry-heaving right now," "Louie is sitting in traffic, pondering the meaning of life," "Joe is hungry," "Debbie is tired," "Maggie is perplexed," "Phil's ass hurts from yoga," "Archie's dreaming of Tulsa," "Seth is a fan of Fellini," "Leslie is drinking her morning OJ," "Dan is contemplating a nap," "Ellen is feeling empowered," "Jack is boarding a flight home from LA," "Susie is feeding her brain!" Oh...my...god. Somebody please get me an ice-pick to jab into my skull.

Let's face it, there's probably two or three of our really best pals who actually do care what the hell we do all the time. That's why they're our BFF's. And they're the ones who will normally respond to the riveting "Ed is drinking some coffee" post with something equally fascinating like "Decaf or regular?" But the rest of your 5000 Facebook friends really don't care about these non-stop musings, as evidenced by the fact that virtually 99% of them have zero replies. I mean honestly, what can you really say back to "Rufus is rubbing a London Broil?"

Now in the spirit of full disclosure, I am a citizen of the Facebook nation. I was lured there by a dear friend with promises of mega-business-networking benefits, and I must also confess to periodically using the site for shameless self-promotion to my vast empire of 165 friends. But if I am indeed a Facebookian, it is citizenship in the vein of Che Guevara, Abbie Hoffman and Thomas Paine. I'm a radical. A dissident. A conscientious objector in the Armed Forces of Facebook. I might even call myself a revolutionary, for I'd love to stage a coup and turn Facebook the vainglorious social-networking site into Facebook the bastion of selflessness and redeeming social value. Just think of how incredibly impactful Facebook could be if its typically self-involved members would harness all of this cyberpassion and energy and channel it instead into educating our children, healing the sick, helping the poor and saving the environment.

I realize that I'll likely lose a few 'friends' over this blasphemous diatribe, most likely those in my Facebook tribe. Some might even de-friend me, a sure sign that I've been branded a social-networking-outcast. But my real friends, the ones I've known for a zillion years, the ones I see all the time, the ones who I actually hang out with outside of cyberspace and have real live actual relationships with, the ones who'll come over at 2am at the drop of hat if I needed help, they'll totally get it. Know why? With the exception of one or two folks whom I absolutely adore and apologize to in advance if I've offended, none of them are on Facebook.

She’s so blonde/he’s so dumb that...

1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you would get change back.
7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. At the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. She studied for a blood test and failed.
14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. She sold the car for gas money.
16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16 friends.
17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport left, she turned around and went home.

---

THE BEST T-SHIRT SLOGANS of 1998:
"Filthy Stinking Rich -- Well, Two Out of Three Ain't Bad"
"Real Men Don't Waste Their Hormones Growing Hair"
"I Used Up All My Sick Days So I Called In Dead"
"Be Nice to Your Children -- They'll Pick Your Nursing Home"
"Husbands Should Come With Instructions"
"Upon the Advice of My Attorney, My Shirt Bears No Message at This Time"
"I Want It All and I Want It Delivered"
"Life Is Hard; Then You Nap"
"Bigamy Is Having One Wife Too Many. Monogamy Is the Same"
"Happiness Is Seeing Your Mother-in-law on a Milk Carton"
"Just Hand Over the Chocolate and Nobody Gets Hurt"
"60-Year-Old One Owner Needs Parts Make Offer"
"I Was Once a Millionaire But My Mom Gave Away My Baseball Cards"
"If God Had Wanted Me to Touch My Toes, He Would Have Put Them on My Knees"
"That's It! I'm Calling Grandma!" - (seen on an 8 year old)
"Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew Up"
"My Designated Driver Drove Me to Drink"
"If You Remember the '60s, You Weren't Really There"
"Procrastinate Now"
"Rehab Is for Quitters"
"Re-Elect Nobody"
"Waiting for the Perfect Man" (Printed across a drawing of a skeleton).
"My Dog Can Lick Anyone"
"I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts -- Do You Want Fries With That?"
"When the Going Gets Tough, the Tough Use Duct Tape"
"Young at Heart -- Slightly Older in Other Places"
"The Boat Sank. Get Over It" (Over a sketch of the Titanic)
"Party -- My Crib - Two A.M." (On a baby-size shirt)
"Finally 21, and Legally Able to Do Everything I've Been Doing Since I Was 15"

Funny One Liners

31 More Thoughts to Keep You Laughing Through Another Month
(Provided you read one each day.)

1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. He who has, so shall he who. - Old Norwegian Proverb
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected. Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.